About this dress.....

Let me tell you the story of this dress……..I’ve had this dress in my closet approximately 12 to 13 years. The day I got it I could put it on and zip it up and it fit just a little too snuggly to wear. Instead of returning it, as I had been successfully loosing a little bit of weight, I hung it in my closet. That was the last time I could pull the skirt down over my hips or zip it at all.

I remember that I saw this dress in a Neiman Marcus catalog and ordered it. (I have plans for an entire blog entry on my history with ordering things.) I don’t’ remember what I paid for it, it wasn’t lavishly expensive, but it would have been more than I should have been spending, that’s for sure. I don’t remember for certain which year, but I think it could have been around 1997. That was the year I lost 20 pounds between the end of January and early May by following Weight Watchers “fit and fiber” plan. Then, early May, I fell off a horse and broke my arm. Even after breaking my arm I lost another 10-11 pounds. I’d gone from 164 (my heaviest ever up until that time) to 132. I was able to get into size 8 pants. But, once the arm healed, weight rapidly went back up to the 160’s.

Sometime when Regan was in high school, following Adkins, I dropped a dress size or two. This must have been right around 2000. Anyway, the dress was purchased somewhere from 1997 to 2001, I think. I have periodically tried the dress on, it never fit, but I could never give it up. Even though I’ve thrown out other clothes that didn’t fit or fell outside of the (one or two year if you haven’t worn it toss it) rule, I kept this dress.

The year Jon and I got married (2 years ago this month) I tried this dress on hoping it would fit and I could wear it on our honeymoon. Not only did it not fit, I couldn’t even get it pulled down over my bust or hips. Oh, my God!

Well, this morning I was at 162 on my scale. This after more than 6 weeks being more off 6WBM than on it. As you can see, I can at least, mostly, pull it down over my hips. It is still too tight to wear AND it will not zip all the way – I’m too heavy in the bust and back. BUT it is better than last time!!!!

So, here’s the deal. This is something you and I can see. I will put this dress on every week and take a picture. You and I will both be able to have visual, objective evidence of how well I am doing! I mean to be wearing this dress out to dinner with my husband before this summer ends – or I will give the dress to goodwill or dress for success. By August 30, 2010. I estimate I need to be about 150 to do that. And, in fact, I am SO CLOSE to dropping under 160 – I haven’t been under 160 since 1997 – that it wouldn’t take much to do it – just a little more self discipline than I’ve had lately and I’m there!!! I’m good up until mid afternoon or dinner. I eat per plan early in the day with my egg whites and fruit, but get lazy later in the day. Instead of planning ahead and getting the right food in the house, I make a meal of whatever is easiest. And then there was the cake and donuts I bought last weekend because I’d been craving them for days.

(Deep breath)….OK, so I’m going to be in Chicago this weekend with Regan and Quinn. We have dinner plans Friday, I have a haircut Saturday, and Jethro Tull concert Sunday. It will be hard to adhere to 6WBM, but I’ll try to be reasonable. No Gino’s pizza! But, let’s say by June 26 I’ll be under 160!

Scold me if I’m not!!!

Mom's house days 2 and 3

Well, one side, the north side, of the house is painted, two coats. Yesterday Mom "helped" and today sister Cindy helped. Cindy is a good helper. She and I work well together. It is very harmonic when the two of us are on a project. We enjoy each others company and usually something will make us laugh so hard we can't breathe and tears roll down.

Here are some pics of the "before".

Can you see how badly the paint is peeling? And the junk all around that mom thinks is vital to her existence?





In the photo below, there is the once magnificent burning bush tree that is now all but dead. I want to cut it down, Cindy agrees. But mom says the birds love it, she calls it her bird sanctuary and refuses to let us take it out. True, the birds love it. But below it is the result of having the birds there. Lots of weeds including poison ivy. Hard to maintain and deal with. Once upon a time in the shade beneath this tree was a number of beautiful hosta. Now even the hosta are suffering and I'd like to dig them up and relocate them. To be continued.....





Below is herself, with Taffy.

This is me with Taffy. I call her Taffy Apple. Oh, and in the background at the corner of the house is what is left of the forsythia.


Yep, I still have some beefy thighs.


Cindy helping.
Now, below is a before picture. That dark place is the forsythia. I may have already done some work on it, and the photo doesn't show how big and nasty that thing was.




Anyway, I'd intended to do the back first, but it is just too hot in the sun to work there, all the scraping and sanding that will be needed. I'll save that for cooler and/or cloudy days. There is plenty of work to do. Including the landscaping.

As far as 6WBM, I've been good in the early part of the day following it. But then things fall apart late in the day. Mainly because I haven't planned in advance what I intend to eat and got the groceries into the house.

June 1 I intend to do what I said back in January....do the hard work. Even if I'm tired, etc. I went to the pool today for an hour. I could write my grocery list at the pool, do my shopping on the way home (who cares if I'm wet) and stick to the plan rigorously. I have one more day to slide. The June 1 it's P90X and 6WBM for 90 days. Excusing myself for Oregon and Texas.

I still have not called my son. Thought about it today, but didn't do it. Don't know why it is more difficult to pick up the phone and call Ryan when it's very easy to contact Regan. I love that young man.

Anyway, yawn. Back to mom's in the morning. Cindy will be around a couple of hours, so that will be good. Cindy thinks we need to get Kathy's kids over to help. Hmmmmmm.

Painting mom's house - Day 1

Well, I was rather excited to get started this morning. I woke up early - did not even set an alarm. Packed my 6WBM snack and lunch. Watered the pots at my house. Kissed Jon goodbye as I left before he had to leave for work. Took my coffee, camera, cell phone and off I went.

Well, first my mom wanted to "look" at the house. She wanted to walk around and look at what needed to be done here, and what needed to be done there. I finally said, "This is just wasting time, I know what to do. I'm going to get started."

My plan is to start on the back. Of course she has all kinds of crap stacked up against the house. There's a bunch of mulch and bags of potting soil and compost. Some I swear have been there 10 years. Anyway, I spent the day clearing the garbage away from the house and raking up the mulch.

I pulled out the cushions for her patio chairs. She complained - she doesn't like to use the cushions or umbrella for the table because she doesn't want the weather to damage them. I said, they are meant to be used outside. If it rains, they will dry out. She has a very nice patio chair with a foot rest that she has had since - no lie - 1994, that has only been out of her garage the two times I pulled it out. She has a freak out and puts it safely back in the garage. What the flying f... is she saving it for?????????????????? She's about to be 83...does she think there will be a better time to use it? Anyway, little does she know it, but I'm dragging that sucker out over the weekend!

I moved a chair over into the shade so she could sit there and watch, since it was apparent she wasn't going to go inside while I worked. She put Taffy on a chain in the yard. Taffy is so sweet and cutesy wootsey. At one point, though, when I went in the house to have my 6WBM snack, I heard my mom hollering and screaming. Taffy was gone! Mom had also come in the house for a minute, but when she went back out to sit with the dog, the dog was no where to be seen. I thought my mom was seriously going to have a heart attack. But I spotted the little pooch two yards down. And fortunately, when I approached her, she did not run away.

Finally, I started giving the forsythia a trim. It is huge and overgrown and towers over the house and up against it and into the neighbor lady's yard. Mom's neighbor, Evelyn, is an old widow same as my mom. I'm surprised they don't hang out together more. Anyway, I only worked on it a while. That thing is going to get a serious haircut. I tackled that damn thing once many years ago when my kids and I still lived 4 doors down from my mom. That is a wicked, wicked shrub. I'm taking it DOWN! To the GROUND! And Cindy and I have more plans for mom's backyard that we haven't shared with her yet. We are only telling her what she NEEDS to know!

About 1:30 I went home and took a shower and cleaned up. Then I went back to mom's, picked her up and we went to buy a gallon of the paint we think we want, and some tools, and then to Penney's to order some window shades. She decided since we're painting, she'll just get her kitchen window some new shades.

So, I felt good, like I accomplished something - though I never actually got to the house itself. I'm looking forward to getting back to it tomorrow.

Yesterday I did a little art work. I pulled out two unfinished watercolors that I'd started previously and worked on both. One was the Ireland one from the how-to book. The other was a small one of Regan as a child I'd started a couple years ago. I ended up on the dining room table (now in the living room) and put one side of the table back up to give me space. I watched the ABC soaps (my favs) and sat by the window that looks out into our park-like back yard, and worked for hours. Loved it. I felt a little frustrated at my painting. But later on when I walked by and glanced at the work I'd done, I thought it looked pretty good.

Got a post card yesterday from my friend, Shitty. She's cruising the Mediterranean with her husband. Greece, Italy, France. She said she'd spend 3 days in Paris, met a friend there, and bought a Dior bag as a memento. Last year in Italy she bought a Feragamo bag. I think before that it was Louis V. She has traveled all over the world with her husband. Pretty good as she started with nothing. Dirt poor, wearing hand me downs to school. She and her husband can pretty much do anything they want, go anywhere. She definitely has expensive taste. And I am not complaining - only making an observation. I love this woman - she's my dearest friend. We've been friends for close to 40 years. It's just our lives are so different. She's moved all over the place - lived in many different cities. I've pretty much stayed put and never yet have I been to Europe - or anywhere, really, besides Ireland (and Mexico). But, I've had and raised my two kids. She did want to have a child, but couldn't. We have discussed this before. I think I may have said, God just doesn't really want us to have "everything". Would either of us trade our lives for the one the other has? I don't think so. Anyway, I'm glad she's in my life. Anyway - postcard - that is why I brought this up - in addition to telling me briefly of her travels she writes" Hope you're painting and exercising...." Yes, that probably had something to do with my spending time on my watercolors!

I have a studio!

Yesterday morning, after Jon left for work, I left a note on the dining room table to ask Jon to help me on his day off cleaning out and organizing the basement and helping me find a place to set up a "studio". I've always thought I'd end up using the sunny corner of the basement for my studio space. But the basement is damp, messy, full of junk we ought to get rid of, and uninviting. Still, we don't have many options.

About 4:00 when he got off work he phoned and asked if I wanted to go out to eat. We rarely eat out, so I was excited and said yes. By the time he got home to pick me up I'd put on a nice dress and some make up. We went to a little, strange, but good Italian restaurant that I had no idea even existed! During dinner Jon said, "I have an idea. Why don't we turn the dining room or a corner of the living room into a studio for you." I asked if he'd read my note on the table. He said he hadn't seen the note. I laughed and told him what it said. Talk about being on the same page.

This morning we moved the dining room table into the living room. The living room is large, and there is a huge window at one end. We dropped the leaves so the table is two person size, found a rug in the basement to put under it, and it looks cute as can be in front of that window. Then, in the (former) dining room, we brought up the glass table from the basement, my easle (tabletop kind) and my other stuff. I'll spend the rest of today cleaning spider webs and bugs off everything and organizing. But, hey, I have an inviting place to work!! And a pretty darned good husband!

Tuesday seems like Friday

I do enjoy not having a job! The last few weeks, Tuesday has felt like Friday. This is largely because Jon's days off are Wednesday and Thursday. So Tuesday is always his Friday. Last week, I was watching General Hospital as I packed for Florida. I was thinking to myself, oh, this is cliff hanger Friday. Then I realized it was not. When I woke this morning I was thinking, well, if I was still on the job, I'd be looking forward to a 3 day Memorial Day weekend, or possibly taking today off, too, as it is Friday. Then I realized it is only Tuesday.

I talked to my sister, Cindy, yesterday after my trauma with my mother. She said mom does the same thing to her. Cindy goes over there Saturday mornings to do a few things, like change mom's sheets on the bed. But Cindy says mom is always distracting her from her intended project with a stream of other little tasks. My mom has always done that to people. No one can just go to her house and sit and talk and visit. She always says, "Oh, while you're here will you take off the door knob and put this new one on?" or something like that. And it isn't just because she's 82 (almost 83). Nope, she has done this as long as I can remember - even when she was younger than I am now.

Anyway, Cindy and I got a chance to vent and affirmed that we will just stay focused during this house painting project. Cindy will be around Saturday mornings. The rest is up to me. And I told mom, my weekends are Jon's, so do not count on seeing me on Wednesdays and Thursdays. We start the project, officially, on Friday.

I talked to Regan last night. Both she and Quinn seems to want to move back downstate. There are a number of large companies in Central Illinois, and law and accounting firms. They just have to start making contacts.

I think hearing that Regan and Quinn will be moving back into the area concerns Jon. He didn't say it, but I think he fears if my daughter gets back to Peoria before we leave, then I won't go. He KNOWS if she has a baby, I'll be as close to her as possible if she needs me. He seemed sort of quiet last night and this morning so I asked him if something was bothering him. He said he thought I seemed depressed and like something was bothering me. I told him not so. Well, I said, not really knowing exactly where I want to be is giving me a little anxiety.

We didn't talk further because he was off to work. Maybe we'll have to revisit this over his weekend.

I need to call Ry - haven't talked to him since before finals. I don't talk to Ryan as much as Regan. Doesn't mean I don't love him just as much because I do. He doesn't seem to need me as much - but I'd do anything for him if he needed me. Just fyi. I was pleased when he said to me any time after July 12 would be good to come down to Austin. That told me he does want me to come down, so I'm happy.

I'm 164.5 today. The 1.5 pounds I lost in one day is probably the sodium related water weight. I can't wait to get under 160 - I haven't been under 160 since 1997. If I loose 15 more pounds, I might - just might - fit into size 10's again! Yay, 6WBM!

Retirement - Day 24

It has been a busy month. I am enjoying not having a job. My days are so unstructured that I missed two appointments. I completely forgot about them, including one doctor appointment and a lunch with the people from my office.

May 1 was my retirement party. I was disappointed not many people from the office came. Anita and Cheryl came; Cheryl had asked to help out and brought food and helped in the kitchen. A handful of retirees came. My friend Marianne had called to say she was coming but did not. My friend Ediberto had said he'd come but did not. In fact, prior to my retirement, Anita (who is a manager in the office) said they had not really planned a lunch or anything for me in the Peoria office, knowing my manager had planned a party for me in Springfield that everyone was invited to. And I had told Anita that was fine, because I invited everyone from Peoria to my open house party May 1. To which nobody from the office showed up. (But Anita then decided maybe they should have a lunch with me and invite the office. That is the party I missed (above).) I heard there was about 20 people show up for that. My sister Cindy said she counted 23 people at our open house. In the end, that's about capacity for our duplex and the weather wasn't the best for outdoors. We did try to use the deck, even lighting a fire the chiminea. But it rained lightly off and on. It was comical, really. It would start to rain and people would rush to bring in all the furniture cushions. When it stopped, we'd take them all back out. We must have repeated this process at least 3 times. I think those that were here did enjoy the food and company. Regan and Quinn were here, and Quinn's friend James came by. Regan made cupcakes decorated like beach scenes. Water, beach balls, umbrellas. They were cute and tasty, too.

The following week Jon and I headed up to Chicago to witness Regan and Quinn being sworn in (they both passed their bar exams this spring). Regan's dad and Chi came up from Houston, Quinn's parents were there for the event, also. Jon and I went up a day early to enjoy Chicago. We walked through Old Town and Lincoln Park and imagined how nice it would be to live there. We had a nice dinner with the kids and Quinn's folks at Petterino's - a place I really like. The following weekend, my mom, her dog, Taffy, and sister Cindy went back to Chicago to spend Mother's Day. My mom wanted to see their new (rented) house. Dean and Debbie were still there.

And Jon and I went to Florida this week to spend a few days with his sister and her husband. They recently relocated to Hollywood, Florida because Renee often travels to South America for her job. We had a great time. Went to South Beach, Hollywood Beach, and a couple good restaurants. They have the most fabulous house in a modest area, but near the beach, nevertheless. We came back from that trip wanting to move there.







This is what always happens. Virtually every place we go, we want to move there. There are so many places I'd like to live, it is hard to pick just one. Last night Jon and I sat out on the deck and had a talk about when and where to go. We agreed we'd move April 1, 2011. It appears Florida is our destination, but that is subject to change.

6WBM update: I was at 161 on April 30. After two weeks of eating and drinking whatever I wanted I got up to 166. I resumed 6WBM and was down to 161 again prior to leaving for Florida. I'm at 166 again today - again, I ate and drank everything I wanted to. So I'm re-committing, beginning today, to continue 6WBM until I see my friend Shitty in July, when I travel to Oregon to spend a few days with her.

I'm also going to head to Austin to visit my son, Ryan. He told me to come down some time after July 12. He'll be in Dallas till then doing his summer job - working with a judge there on some project. I'm not sure if Jon will come to Austin with me, or maybe he'll come for a few days and I'll stay longer.

So, the next thing on my agenda is to paint my mom's house. That has already become a challenge. I had told her I planned to start on that project today, that I'd do everything including prep work, etc. I went over there this morning to scope out the project. She has a lot of landscaping in the way, a lot of stuff attached to the back of the house. I wanted to formulate a plan for myself. She, as she typically does, told me she wants me to help her paint the inside of the kitchen window, and go to Penney's with her to pick out shades, and do this, and do that. She already has a LONG LONG list of things she figure's I'll be doing.

Oh, yes, and I forgot to tell you the whole Taffy episode - I'll tell you later. In brief, her dog had a little surgery and I made numerous trips to the vet and to her house to take care of the dog. She said to me, "You retired just in time." I said, "Just in time for what?" "Just in time to take care of me and the dog!"

I did NOT retire to be her caretaker or the dog's. There are things I WANT TO DO FOR MYSELF!

So, at my mom's this morning, when she started off with her lists of projects, I just left. It is overwhelming. First of all, she isn't focused. She's all over the place. And that usually causes me to loose my own focus. I've thought about what I'll have to do to get through this. I just have to focus. And if she comes at me with lists, and "oh, just do this one thing for me" I'll tell her that isn't what I'm there for today. Write her lists down and I'll consider them later. I honestly think she thinks I'm going to spend everyday over there with her doing her chores!

I expressed my frustration to Jon. He's tired of hearing it - this is another ongoing issue. He suggested I go back to my therapist for tools to handle the situation. He suggests we "get out of dodge" as soon as possible.

The painting of the exterior of the house is something I want to do. It needs it. And I'll throw in a little yard work, as far as landscaping. But I'm not NOT not going to be her personal slave. Good Grief! My blood pressure is up just from writing this.

All for now. I need to decompress!

Holding at 164.0

I’m delinquent in my reports. I am happy with my progress on the 6WBM. I’m at 164 pounds today. I’ve been losing about 2 pounds per week and I’ve been having plenty of extras. I can definitely do this for life. Not being completely on program my results are slower, but they are steady, easy and satisfactory. My clothes are beginning to fall off of me. One of my co-workers, Anita, asked me last week if I was losing weight and what was I doing. I gave her the scoop. We talked about how we had both tried everything under the sun and had similar experiences. I told her I’d be her “sponsor”. I’m anxious to see how she does. P.S. I think it should be called 6 Weeks without a BM.

My boss Carol held a retirement party for me last Thursday. It was really lovely. She had enough food there to feed twice the people. So yummy. And, yes, I ate everything I wanted to eat. I think she expected more people to show up. None of the retirees came. Usually some retirees come in. It makes me think again nobody is going to come to our party Saturday.

Anyway, Carol made a little presentation of my official retirement keepsakes from the Government: Gallatin, my retirement certificate, and a pin. Many of my co-workers contributed food or money. I was presented a check for $400.00 which I think is very amazing. My boss said she wanted me to spend it in Venice when Jon and I go in the fall. But I want to spend part of it on my art copier that I’ve wanted for so long. I think not as many people showed up as she expected – or that I expected for that matter. Nevertheless, my mom enjoyed herself and got to see several people she had worked with during her career. I told the story that way back in the 80’s when the whole downstate IRS held annual CPE’s in Springfield at Sangamon University, I was sitting there by my mom and I was pregnant. I was thinking – “this tradition ends here – I will not encourage any of my children to work at the IRS.” And just this year, when my daughter Regan was having trouble landing her first job, I said to her, “You know, hon, the IRS is hiring.” Got some laughs. My husband enjoyed it, too, I think. He got to meet a lot of the people he hears me talk about. Some of them he knows anyway from his days as the coffee shop owner where I met him. My boss commented today she thought he was nice looking, easy going and he seemed to really like me. I concur. He really likes me.


I got my haircut in Chicago on the 17th. Regan went with me to the salon and then we went to Whole Foods for lunch and browsing. We like to make a day of it. We were talking about lots of things, including kicking around thoughts Jon and I have had about moving next summer to Portland or somewhere. Regan said she thinks we should go to Ireland first, then Portland, then New York and then Chicago so we’ll be back when her babies are born. Then she said she thought it would be good for me to move because I’d become very judgmental lately. What?! Yes, she said she felt like I criticized their apartment and the new house. If I did it was only because I want them to be happy. She said, our house they grew up in wasn’t that great. True. I thanked her for telling me she felt that way. I’ll watch that in the future. I got to see the house they'll be living in. It's cute. I think it will be better for them than the apartment.


I talked to my son Ryan yesterday. This was one of the few times I caught him in a talkative mood. Or maybe I just craftily brought up some subjects he was interested in. I told him a kid from Richwoods High School was picked up by Houston Texans this week. He was interested in that. I told him while flipping channels I caught some panel discussion from University of Texas Law School at Austin on C-Span. He was quite interested in that. Said he’d like to get on one of those reviews. I told him if he did let me know and I’d watch C-Span for him. He laughed. He’s hoping to still find a job for the summer, if not he’ll be taking summer school courses.


Enough for now, I guess. Later.

Catch up....I'm at 168.5

I’m down over 10 pounds from March 17 start date. That in spite of the fact this last week I haven’t been strictly following the plan. I’m still pumped and my husband is still very enthusiastically supporting my progress. I’ve lost a few inches overall, and last night when Jon came home from work and hugged me he said he noticed I felt thinner. He used the word skinny, but, come on……I wore pants to work this week that I haven't been able to get on since Christmas!


I’m 3 weeks away from my retirement date! Here’s what is happening on that front. My boss sent out the flyers for the office retirement party she has planned for me. My co-worker Cheryl is helping me with my house party planned for May 1, and she’s also in contact with my boss, Carol, and her party. Cheryl said Carol told her the office party will be “big”. Lots of retirees and current employees from all around the state will be there, including Carol’s boss from Chicago. She’s got flowers, punch, food, and all. I am looking forward to it and Jon and my mother (also an IRS retiree) will be coming to that with me.


My house party – or Jon’s and my house party – is for neighbors and friends and family. But I’m also inviting all of the Peoria post of duty. Many of them won’t travel to Springfield for Carol’s party.


Let me tell you, I’ve been stressing about our party. For weeks I’ve been whining to Jon, what if nobody comes to our party? And he assures me lots of people will come. He reminds me how many people came to our wedding reception we had here and I didn’t even invite as many co-workers to that. I repeated my worry so many times that finally Jon said, “I’m not even going to dignify that with a response anymore!”


Well, Thursday one of the managers from the office came to me and asked if I wanted them to bring anything to my party. And I said, no, I think we have it covered. And she said, “Are you sure? There’s going to be a lot of people.” I went home to Jon and said, “what if 100 people show up at our party?!” I’d be thrilled, but logistically it presents a problem of where to put people and food and drinks!


New subject: my baby girl and her husband HAVE PASSED THE BAR EXAM!!!! I could not be more proud of my children (I guess I am including son-in-law in “children”). They have worked very hard for this. I’m looking forward to a trip to Chicago in a few weeks to see them get sworn in.


Finally, 6WBM: On Easter Sunday, Jon went to his folks for their family Easter dinner. Jon and I had talked about what that would mean for me being on this program. I told Jon I really did not want to sit and watch everyone devour lots of delicious looking food while I ate none of it. Not only that, but I’ve had a, uh, situation since being on this program. As of Easter Sunday it had been about 8 days since I’d had a bm. I was taking some fiber pills to try to resolve that, and wasn’t sure what was going to happen and when, and just had no intention of leaving my home. We agreed he’d go on his own and I’d stay home and invite my mom over to lunch. I fixed an “on program” lunch that was very tasty! But I did buy dinner rolls when my sister Cindy said she and my other sister Kathy were coming, too. And Cindy brought a small Easter egg shaped chocolate cake from our favorite local bakery. Kathy did not come after all, but my mom, Cindy and I enjoyed a lovely lunch. I had set the table with my china and crystal and put daffodils from the yard in a vase on the table. But, those dinner rolls looked so soft and smelled so yummy I had to have one. And another, and one more after that.


And everyday since Easter I’ve had maybe one cheat item a day. I haven’t completely gone off plan, but I’ve been less strict. And, yes, the weight loss slowed. I am resolving to renew the strict application of the plan till the end of the month, though, beginning today.


Regan and I talked on the phone yesterday. We talked about a wide variety of subjects, but one thing was that we both will consume an entire bag of potato chips in one sitting. If the bag gets opened, we demolish it! I also do that with oreos. My son Ryan and I have both taken a sleeve of crackers and slathered each cracker with butter and eaten the whole sleeve of crackers. And, I guess I’m like that with alcohol, too. I don’t like to have “one glass” because I know it always makes me want more. One bottle, or however many bottles are in the house. Well, before I lived with Jon, I only kept one bottle at a time in the house for that reason. We have a LOT of bottles, now.


Oh, yes, my Ireland dreams. I’ve had a series of them since – March 17, of course – but they have a theme. I fly over there, only spend a few hours, and fly back home. What does that mean? I think it has to do with the fact that on our upcoming cruise we are only in each port a day, and only have a few hours to explore each city. And I miss Ireland.


Talk to you later.

All systems - GO!

Well, I’m here to report that so far I’m pleased with the 6 Week Body Makeover program and results. I HAVE LOST 7 POUNDS so far. Now, I’m not naive, I don’t think. I’ve tried, as I’ve said before, every other thing under the sun from Atkins to Weight Watchers and get a good result the first week on anything. It is – can you sustain it?


Let me recap the last week and two days.


Observation number one: My vitamin is not making my stomach upset. Once my multiple vitamins began giving me a stomach ache, I started to take it at lunch, with food and a glass of milk to coat the stomach. I would still get the nausea. But since starting the plan I take it with lunch (2 oz. of protein, a carb and vegetables) and a glass of water and I’m good. One day I took it before lunch with my 2 oz. of protein and fruit and did get the nausea. I’m sticking with what works, I can’t explain why it works, but I’m sticking with that.


Within the first two days on plan I lost 3 pounds, but I urinated A LOT. In fact I got up 2 or 3 times the first night to empty my bladder!


We had dinner guests the second night on plan. Jon did a magnificent job cooking according to “the plan” yet making the food look and taste like an elegant dinner. I ate less than everyone else, but the same food. I did have 4 oz of wine (not on the program at all) but compensated somewhat by reducing my carb (potato). They had whipped cream on their berry dessert. I did not. It worked.


Jon is about as enthusiastic about this program as I am. You should see him out in the kitchen whipping up all kinds of dishes without fat or sodium that are exactly on plan. He’s eating it, too, though he takes his normal lunch to work and has his wine in the evening. And he still snacks on cheese or whatever he wants between meals or after supper.


Other than that glass of wine, I’ve followed it strictly. I like the fact it is laid out exactly what to eat when. It’s easy to follow. And today I went online for the first time to the website and looked over recipes. Found one for “pancakes” that I’m going to try for breakfast. It’s mashed banana with egg white. Oh, yeah, on Tuesday, I did start having a major craving for chocolate layer cake with chocolate butter cream frosting. I could not get it out of my head for two days. But it did finally go away. I’ve found a glass of lemonade made with splenda helps cut cravings.


I’ve been walking daily, and did my “program” resistance band workouts, too.


I went in to see my Dr. and told him I wanted a complete blood analysis. It’s been a year and I’m due, anyway. Want to see what my cholesterol and all that is. Then I want to check it later when I’ve lost weight. My Dr. was very encouraging. He did say, though, after I told him my intentions, that I should expect the weight loss to slow down. He said, realistically, I should only expect 1 to 2 pounds a week. He also said my goal of 125 might be too much. He said he’d be thrilled if, by Christmas, I weigh in at 140. He said he’d take me off my blood pressure medicine and give me a hug. He said I’d be very healthy.


I have a list, in writing, of things I’d like to acquire. It includes two matching bedside tables and lamps for our bedroom. Right now we have hand-me-downs that do not match. Pretty sad looking, at that. Also, I’d love to have the big, expensive art copier for my art work. I’d really love love love a set of matching dishes and flat ware. Again, what we are using are a collection of his old dishes and mine. It always bothers me a little when we have company that our table settings aren’t even remotely attractive.


So….brainstorm! With the $600 I INTEND to have as my reward after adhering strictly to the 6 Week Body Makeover, I will finally have one or more of the above!!! Now I just have to decide what is more important to me. But, I tell you, I already FEEL better, and that in itself is rewarding.


I hope to report the same is true next week. I’ll let you know!

Vegan on Hold....for 6 Week Body Makeover!

Do you recall a few posts back I mentioned I ordered Michael Thurman's 6 Week Body Makeover? Well, it arrived yesterday. I happened to be home. The post lady brought my mail to the door with a big box. Clearly labeled on the outside. She rolled her eyes and said, "Now the fun begins." I rolled my eyes and said, "Yeah, right!"

I had just bought VEGAN food for the week. I'd been eating Vegan for 2 days. I even went to the, uh, health food store for coconut water for my smoothies.

I didn't open it till Jon came home from work. He was very excited that it arrived. We opened it together and spent FOUR HOURS getting through the "set up" part. Watched a video or two, took the body type survey, found the cards with my body shape, exercise plan, etc. Jon measured me - neck, shoulders, down to my calves and we entered it onto charts. I stood in my underwear so he could see if my fat rolls matched the ones on various cards. (It is a good thing we know each other pretty well, this is not an activity for a first date. Or maybe it is....)

We looked at the food plan for my body type. My instant reaction was, well, I can do this for six weeks, but there is no way I'm gonna eat this way for life. I get a couple of ounces of protein (white meat) every two hours along with either vegetables or a few carbs. I can have some fruit at certain times of day. Just for kicks we did Jon's too. I'm a type B and he is an E. He can have red meat, I cannot. He gets carbs early in the day, I get mine later in the day. But he isn't planning on following this. But he is certainly excited about helping me stick to it. I look at as taking a course of medicine. I can "take my medicine" for 6 weeks. But unless I learn something along the way, this doesn't look like a life plan to me. But maybe it should be. The theory makes sense if you read and listen.

But the claims are big. I can loose (up to) 30 pounds in 6 weeks!?!

Besides tracking what you eat and weight, the material suggests, no - it tells you, to reward yourself every week for following the plan. Something to look forward to. Something to motivate you. It suggests a pedicure or manicure, shopping. I said to Jon, none of that will motivate me. I don't want to spend money as my reward. We thought about it and his eyes lit up. "I know what will motivate you" he said. What? What?

He said he will give me $100 every week I follow the plan. HOO HAA!!!! I'm motivated. That's $600. I know exactly what I'll do with it, too!

And I have to say I really do appreciate Jon's efforts. He cooked specially for me today. He shopped specially for this diet. It may be somewhat self-serving - like "I'm so tired of hearing you complain!" But I don't really know that. He's pretty good to me. Sometimes I test him, not on purpose. It just happens that way. I told Jon he's going to have to finish eating the tofu (which I can't have now) and coconut water.

So my beloved daughter called me tonight. We haven't talked in a bit, she's been very busy trying to get ready to start her new career, house shop, apartment shop, etc. And enjoying living close to friends, so she and Quinn are quite social.

Anyway, she calls. She obviously read my recent post. "Are you vegan now? How's it going?" I told her read my new post.

WHIPLASH!

I'll keep you "posted".

Bye for now.

Vegan ver. 2.0

I saw a program on public TV about reversing diabetes (and being generally healthy and loosing weight) with Dr. Neal Barnard. I watched it twice. Jon even watched it with me once. Dr. Barnard stresses a low fat vegan diet. I'm going to try (again) to do vegan, but a hybrid version. Meaning, it isn't all or nothing. If I'm eating out and there's no tasty vegan food, I'll eat a steak and enjoy it. But for home purposes and to the extent practicable, I'm following this:

http://www.21daykickstart.org/mealplan/index.cfm

It has 3 weeks of meal plans, recipes and shopping lists. All it doesn't do is shop and cook for you. (You can also google Dr. Barnard for more information.)

When I tried to go vegan last summer, for whatever reason, it had to be all or nothing. It did not even occur to me it was OK to, in certain circumstances, not strictly adhere to veganism. Let me provide some details.

Why I decided to try vegan-ism last summer:

I couldn’t sleep one night and turned the radio on to Coast to Coast am, my favorite radio program (and worthy of it’s own blog by me at some point). The guest was discussing why we should all eat vegan. For all I know it could have been Dr. Barnard on the air. By the time the program was over at 4:00am, I was convinced I absolutely needed to convert! I posted on Facebook that if anybody wanted to get me a birthday present, I’d be happy to get a vegan cookbook. My sister, Kathy, got me exactly that.

Why it didn’t work:

About one or two days later, I had to travel out of town for a couple of days for my job. You try eating vegan when you are out of town! There were vegetarian offerings that were mostly really nasty tasting. Vegan is REALLY REALLY difficult to find in restaurants, unless you like the taste of lettuce with no dressing.

And then, of course, the fact my husband was really, let’s say, surprised, to hear from his brother I’d decided to eat vegan. Ooops. It didn’t last long. Last summer I was out of town frequently. Also, I didn’t find a website like the one above to help me with a whole plan.

For me it is mostly about health, not a moral issue.

And this time, I have discussed it with Jon prior to posting this on my blog. He is in agreement with my intention. I’ll try to follow the vegan diet here at home. I may still do some dairy (skim milk, half and half in my coffee (until I switch to tea, which I take plain), and yogurt), but I’ll mostly be vegan. The recipes and food look really good to me. It is all stuff I like, so it won’t be like forcing myself to eat rice cakes (blah!).

And if we are at dinner out or at someone’s house, I’ll eat what’s there. At a restaurant if they don’t have a vegan choice that makes me think, “Oh, yummy!” I’ll eat something that will taste yummy to me! And not feel guilty about it! Jon said he can live with that. And as long as I have a piece of meat for him, he’ll eat what I eat. He likes the food, too, but just doesn’t think he wants to go meatless, or cheese-less.

Where is the number for my shrink?

I got a couple of magazines in the mail this week. The cover of “the Artist’s magazine” for April makes me want to cry. It makes me so depressed. Because it is such a beautiful image. It is an oil painting of a beautiful woman, very captivating, by Casey Baugh, an artist my daughter’s age. The kind of painting I have always thought I would do….eventually.

I need therapy.

The reason it depresses me is that I could have been doing that kind of art for the last 30 years and I didn’t. I can start now. But I really feel the shortness of time. At best I have 10, 15, 20 or 25 years. Maybe that’s enough. I could blame it on someone other than myself. Well, others did influence me. Or, rather, not support me. Back in college. I did not have a lot of supporters. And I didn’t have the… whatever… it takes, to go on anyway because it was something I loved.

My mother sure as hell did not support me. I give her credit for one thing, she let me go for my degree in art and not push me to do business or something. She determined in her own mind a degree in art was better than no degree at all. And in those days, it really was kind of true. Any college degree opened doors. But no sooner did I graduate with my Bachelor’s in Art, then she was after me to take the civil service exam and get a job with the government. And I did. And of course, there was Skip. My first husband made one memorable comment, “Artists all have these little egos.” No support. And, finally, there was Marvin Klavin, one of my college painting instructors. Who said, if you’re going to paint like that why not just take a photo? I think I cut that class the rest of the semester.

But, really, the blame is all mine. OK, what would my shrink have said? What does my husband say? Jon says, you had your children. Since you raised them as a single woman you had a job that allowed you to do that. You had the freedom to take off for school plays, when a child was sick. And a steady paycheck.

I’d like to be a person with no regrets. Every thing that happened in the past made me the person I am right now. (And I do like myself, most of the time.) Gave me two beautiful children. And good, intelligent, beautiful children. And a husband that loves me dearly. A husband that wants me to paint. A husband that, surprisingly, lets me be just who I am. And loves me in spite of myself, exactly as I am. Not everybody gets one of those! I know from experience.

But, I do have regrets, and fears, and ANXIETY!

Where is that number for my shrink?

I have done a little work on a watercolor this week. I don’t love it. Everything I do right now is like an exercise.

Sigh………………………………..

Starting, slowly....

March 7, 2010

I have actually found some motivation in the last few days and have made a few efforts in the right direction. I think the blog may actually show signs of serving its purpose. Thanks to you for that.

I’ve walked 3 days in a row. I’ve already got my walk in today. I even added a little distance to it. I used to be able to walk forever. It was the easiest thing to do. I could walk from 900 South Michigan Avenue to 900 North Michigan Avenue and back, then turn around and do it all over again. If I tried that today I couldn’t. I’d be dragging after the first 20 minutes, and if I finished that distance, probably be bleeding out of my butt. And legs, and feet.

Anyway, the last two days I felt tired just after a short distance and my legs felt heavy. Today was better. Of course, it was raining and somehow the rain energizes me. Maybe Portland would be a good place for Jon and me to live. Or Ireland!

I’ve picked up the free weight and have done a little arm work, too, in the last couple of days.

I have not had any drinks since Wednesday, when I had one glass of wine.

I was 180.5 on the scale this morning. : - (

However, I know it will take just a little bit for results to show up. And I know eating right has to factor in.

I think for now, I will commit to doing 90 squats a day (I do them with light weights) – by doing 30 at a time, three times a day. I’ll do 10 pushups (girl ones for now) and 100 sit ups. This in addition to my walks. I’ll throw in the arm work because I enjoy that part. Then, after a little bit, I’ll ratchet it up a little.

I’ve already done 30 squats today.

I need a full length mirror. We don’t really have any here. I would like to have a mirror to work out in front of. Talk about motivation. Maybe that’s why I’ve gotten so bad just in the last 2 years – living without a good full length mirror!!!

Hope all is well with you. Talk to you later. Bye.

YIKES!

I was surprised to see I have “followers” on my blog!! And even a comment posted!! Thank you, ladies. I hope not to disappoint! And YIKES! A moment of panic at the thought someone is reading this!

I had an even bigger surprise. Well, no, Jon had an even bigger surprise. He was talking on the phone last night with his brother and I heard Jon say, “No, I didn’t know she had a blog.” He turned to me and said, “You have a blog? What are you blogging about?” They went on talking and nothing further was said between us about the blog that night.

This morning I asked him if he wanted to read my blog. I thought I had better show it to him right now since it is very personal stuff. He read it, and said he wished I’d talked to him about it or shown it to him sooner. He said he didn’t know I was “trying” to loose weight and all; he thought I had decided to wait till after my retirement date. He said he felt like he’d somehow let me down by not helping me with my efforts, or that I blamed him for not succeeding somehow.

Neither is true. In fact, now that I think about it, one of the reasons I didn’t say anything to Jon was because since I’ve known him I’ve given him whiplash with all my starts and stops. How many times I’ve told him I’m going to quit drinking, and don’t. I’m going to get up at 5:00 and work out, and don’t. I’m joining Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, or you name it, and quit. Oh, yes, and let’s not forget when I was going to become Vegan (one of those times I posted it on facebook but didn’t mention to Jon and he found out from Jason! See below). He always does everything to support me. I’m the one that quits. So I had thought I would do this quietly on my own without telling him, so as not to cause him any grief over it if I failed to follow through.

This morning after reading my blog, Jon immediately googled Michael Thurman’s 6 Week Body Makeover and said he thought I should try that. He had seen it on TV and thought it is what I need. Well, normally I don’t believe in that sort of thing. If it’s too good to be true……But I felt badly about not showing him the blog from the beginning, so I ordered it. I’ll let you know how that works out. Has anyone tried it?

But Jon was not happy with me. He said he does not like to hear from someone else that I’ve done or said something. This isn’t the first time. There have been a few times Jason has said to Jon “Oh, I hear you and Judy……” this or that. See above: Vegan. And Jon had to reply he didn’t know anything about it. (I put things on my facebook and I’m always surprised if someone actually reads them. And I don’t usually think to mention to Jon that I’ve posted something on facebook.) Ouch, my bad. No defense. It was very uncomfortable around our house this morning. I know it will pass, but now I feel like I’m on eggshells.

Back to TV infomercial products…..last summer I came home one day and Jon had received his P90X program that he had ordered – without, let me add, my prior knowledge. We both did the workouts – Jon for about 6 weeks, and me for about 4. We both liked the workouts. They work. Tony Horton kicks buns of steel! But for me, and I think both of us, taking an hour to 90 minutes daily to work out is HARD. Jon works long days – he generally leaves at 8:30 am and gets home at 6:30 pm. Then add an hour or more work out on top of that? And then add a couple of hours to plans meals and cook. Hard. But while we were doing it faithfully, we both felt better, slept better, my skin was looking good. Jon was getting ripped! I want to go back to those workouts AFTER my retirement date.

Weight Watchers. I’ve joined and quit a number of times. I feel like the meetings are like AA meetings. (Yes, I’ve been to AA meetings.) However, at one point they had a “Fat and Fiber” system. That WORKED for me. All you had to count was fat grams and fiber grams. I wrote down everything I ate, and realized in order to get the correct number of fiber grams and limit fat – you have to eat they way you should anyway. But for me it worked. I lost 25 pounds in about 3 months. This was in 1997. I was riding horses once or twice a week, doing Tai Kwon Do once a week, and walking 30 minutes daily religiously. I did those 30 minute daily walks from around 1990 through 2003. It was when I got out of that walking habit that the pounds began their creep.

Jenny Craig. When I saw Valerie Bertinelli on the cover of whatever magazine and read how it was Jenny Craig that she used to loose weight, and that she’s about my age and had about the same weight gain as me, I decided to call Jenny. I did it for about 2 weeks. Yes I lost weight. It was too expensive for us. I knew the day I signed up it would be when the woman at Jenny said it would probably cost less than what I spent on food already. She said, “Do you eat out a lot?” I said, “No.” She looked somewhat startled and started talking about something else. The food is expensive. It cost much more than I would spend for food. Also, when I read the ingredients in the frozen meals, and packaged goods, they seemed to contain a lot of sodium and other things I prefer to try to avoid. Mostly they tasted very good. You eat their products and add your own fresh fruit and salads and vegetables. Here’s the thing I liked about that system that I think I could duplicate on my own. You have a weekly plan – everything you are going to eat for the entire week, including snacks, is written on a chart. Your entrée is very small. You add lots and lots of vegetables and salads. So, for example, you eat a tiny piece of meat, a quarter cup of side dish (potato or pasta) and eat loads of greens to fill up. AND – BEST PART OF ALL – you come home from work, pop a frozen meal in the microwave, and eat. Meal prep time cut significantly! It works.

Does any one have experiences with any products or systems you’d like to share? Love to hear about it.

Facts: I'm at 180 today. Jon and I walked yesterday. I walked today. Ate fruit and veggies. And a few too many oreo cookies. One glass wine last night.

Thanks.

Where have you been and toilet dreams

March 4, 2010

Ikus, Where have you been?

I was visiting my daughter last week. She asked me what happened to my blog. Well, I’ll answer that. I have avoided it because so far I have done none of the things I vowed to do. I’m not eating right (yet), I’m still drinking (1 or 2 glasses, though, not 1 or 2 bottles), and not exercising (even though I rearranged the furniture and bought a large mat to protect the floor for working out). Not even walking (however, it has snowed a bunch and the sidewalks and roads were buried in ice and snow).

Well, here it is, March, and I’m still promising myself every day that tomorrow will be the day…..or, at the very least when I retire at the end of April. I wrote a bit that I didn’t post a while back…..see below:

“January 5, 2010

Toilet dreams….


Just yesterday, or the day before, I remarked to my husband I hadn’t had any toilet dreams for a long time. He gave me a look. He said, what are toilet dreams?

I’ve had this reoccurring theme pop up in dreams once in a while for at least 20 years. Probably every since I’ve held down a grown up job. The dreams vary, but the theme is the same. I need to use the toilet, and it is a public place, like an airport, office, school, or other public place. All the stalls are full, or maybe there is one stall I could use, but there is always a problem with it. It might be full of…..crap. And the ….crap….has spilled all over the floor. Or maybe there is no door and I’m in full view of the whole place. Or so on.

It is obvious to me these were stress induced dreams. My husband said I must have some privacy issues. Maybe it is because I’ve spent most of my career feeling like I didn’t know what I was doing or feeling less than adequate for my job. Mind you, my performance evaluations have always been great, and as I said, I’ve been promoted up there pretty good. I just always felt like someone was going to figure out I didn’t know what I was doing. I had a little comfort once from my good friend. Her husband was an attorney. She said she heard many of the guys from his law firm say the same thing about their jobs.

Anyway, I had a toilet dream last night. Sunday night. (Sunday’s are always a little high anxiety anyway because Monday is back to work, you know.)

Just thought you might like to know….”


The other night, speaking of dreams, I had a Sting dream. Have I mentioned one of the reoccurring dream themes I have had all my adult life includes dreams of Sting. Early on, when I was slender and felt prettier, in the dreams we were always instantly attracted, but were friends (affectionate friends), but nothing sexual. Now in my Sting dreams I’m usually trying to figure out how to get his attention while he pays no notice to me. I’m sure there is some meaning there. Meaning I feel like crud about myself – how I appear, anyway.

To catch you up, Jon and I went to Portland in January for a week. Just to see what Portland was like. Enjoyed it. One or both of us had upset stomachs every night – I’m sure because of the excess of eating and drinking.

In February we booked a cruise for November – Mediterranean cruise with ports in France, Italy and Greece. Did a lot of research via internet, books and video. Still doing that. I vow to be a size 8 by then.

I’ve gained weight since the beginning of the year. I crossed A LINE!!! OK, I’ll say the number. On my scale, just this week, I’ve crossed the 180 pounds mark. Un-be-flipping-lievable!!!

I do promise to be more current and blog at least once a week. And loose 2 pounds a week. Hold me to it!! Call me on my bad behaviour!!

Thanks. Bye.

PS – I caught a few minutes of the SciFi Channel show Caprica last Friday night. I got hooked. I don’t know what the frak is going on, but will watch until I get too frustrated and stop watching. The scene that caught me was where the guy while doing a diagnostics test on the cylon/girl was making it dance. The girls expression while dancing contrasted with the robot did intrigue me . Mind you I had NO idea why the robot/girl thing was a robot/girl or that this series had anything to do with Battlestar Galactica. My husband filled me in on that part. And please forgive any spelling errors here. I could look up how to spell Cylon, if that isn’t correct, but too lazy.

I stand corrected....in a good way.

I finally shared my blog with my daughter. She’s always the first one I turn to for advice, feedback, and, well, anything and everything. I was very happy to find out she does not think of me as “just mom”. Yay! She said, “I do disagree with what you said about not being my friend. Perhaps you don't think of yourself as my friend and just my mom, but I consider you my very best friend and my mom.” Who could ask for more?

I told her I was too embarrassed yet to go “public” with my blog and start telling people about it. But I will, soon.

And, Regan, btw, I do think of you as my very best friend, too. However, I recall an instance last May in Austin when I was in the back seat of the car and you and Ryan were in the front; I don’t remember what I said, but both you and Ryan said, “Mom, shut up!” at the same time. I really felt like a mom that day! ; - ) I may have been back seat driving, so I may have deserved that. Hard not to do it since one thing I AM really good at is driving. (In my opinion, anyway.)

So far so good....

I “worked” four hours today. Four hours was the time I had allotted for today. After Jon left for work I set up on the dining room table. I started with some exercises of creating hue and value tables with my paints. This took me about 2 hours. I made myself take a 30 minute break, and then I started working on one of the “Ready to Paint IRELAND Watercolor” pages. I’d done the tracing yesterday so I was ready to begin with paint. I worked on it for a while then at 2:00, when my four hours was up, I left it. I picked that book because I've been to Ireland 5 times in the last 10 years and have hundreds of photos I took there. I have intentions of turning a number of my photos into paintings some day.

I felt good about my day's accomplishments. But I also spent some time flipping through back issues of “Watercolor” magazines. Came upon Ali Cavanaugh again. The pages with her paintings had caught my attention before, but I kind of forgot about them. This time I made note of her. I’m so jealous. They are really marvelous works.

And it just makes me feel, again, like I have so much catching up to do that I may never be able to get where I want to go. I’m lucky that my husband is very supportive. He's been telling me for years to quit my job and start painting. I wasn't willing to take the risk. But now I have stayed long enough to have earned that precious retirement check! Jon tells me constantly it is not too late. “You are alive. As long as you are alive you can do this.” Or words to that effect.

Actually, I briefly studied a photographer during my community college photography classes – and when I find her name again I’ll let you know – who had a very brief career which she started around 50. She was quite successful. I read another article in the back issues about Harald Aksdal, who retired and began his career at 56. Of course, he’d been working as an architect, so he was used to drawing.

Art aside, I have another challenge in 2010; the challenge of getting into a size 8. I won’t talk about pounds, but size. I know the weight I’d have to be to get into an 8. This could well take me the whole year. I’m hopeful that, once I’ve reached that goal, I can stop taking blood pressure meds and won’t be at risk for things like diabetes and stroke. As I said, I was always completely healthy and active until I hit 50. Yikes! But I let myself go, then, too. I quit taking my daily walks and a lot of other things. Weight just jumped on, blood pressure got too high. Argh!

It is only about 3 degrees Fahrenheit outside so I’m not even thinking about going for a walk. Maybe I’ll do some “yoga light”.

Here is a not too good photo of a painting I did in college. It is 30” by 30” oil on canvas of my two sisters circa around 1976.

Or maybe it was all OK

I may have been too hard on myself yesterday. I may have not given myself enough credit. Thinking back, I was always pursuing art or some creative labor of love, just in my own way.

In the early 80’s my then husband gave me a camera. A Canon AE-1, and I fell in love with photography. For a few years I photographed everything. People, landscapes, animals. When my children were born they became my favorite subjects, of course, and I probably have a thousand photos of them. In the late 80’s I took some photography classes at the local community college. We had a great instructor, Luis Valdovino. I absolutely loved the full control of printing my own photos, black and white and color. In the early 90’s I began taking horseback riding lessons and started photographing horses. I considered starting my own equine and portrait photography business. I put a darkroom in my house. But I still had children at home and could not give up the steady pay check, nor was I willing to take the time away from my children that it would have required to be a business owner. The darkroom was taken out. I no longer had access to a photo lab and took pictures less and less, frustrated with the quality of commercial printing. But I still have all those photos taken over almost 2 decades and some of them I might like to turn into paintings some day.

In 1990, after divorce, I bought a house with a huge back yard. A house, some of you well know, is a lot of work. It was just one of those typical 50’s ranch style houses. That house and yard became my canvas. My ex husband had made a lot of money and I was used to driving nice cars and living in a very nice home. It was a culture shock to suddenly have so much less. But I thought, why shouldn’t this 50’s ranch be as nice as it could be? I set to work “refreshing” it room by room, slowly, over the next 18 years. It took all that time because I only had so much money to work with. And, when I put in new closet doors, I put in GOOD ones. When I replaced the bathroom sinks, light fixtures and toilets, I put in the best quality I could afford. I painted. I replaced carpet. I pulled out carpet and refinished hardwood floors. I laid ceramic tile. I laid ceramic tile on a diagonal! I finished the entire walk out basement including adding a bedroom, two closets and a full bath. One big “installation” project! Credit goes out to my family – brothers, mother, sisters, and yes, kids, who provided me much labor and support through out the years, as well, here.

Then there was the yard. The prior owners had left a little 3’ square plot of dirt surrounding by a timber border. Maybe it had been a vegetable garden. I don’t know. I planted a couple of flowers in there and seeing them grow led to an obsession with gardening. My little 3’ square garden grew and grew. Some summers I rip out everything and move it around. It was in constant change. Then I met my future husband, Jon. He saw my dream and he built the patio, walls and steps. We did this on our own, the labor, the design, everything. My entire back yard became a lovely outdoor “room”. I thought it was beautiful.






My work paid off. I sold it. For the price I wanted. I sold the house to the first person who looked at it. In December. Right after the real estate bubble broke. I had even had a difficult time finding a realtor that would list the house at the price I wanted to ask. They all said no house in my neighborhood would ever sell for my asking price. I finally found someone willing to let me name my price. And it sold!

So, I must have done some things right, maybe?

Maybe I wouldn’t change too much of the past.

But I do wish I had gone to EVERY class in college.

Happy New Year - with a Bang

Not my bang - my daughter's bang. My day got off to a rocky start when I saw Regan's facebook posting that the taxi she and her husband took to a New Year's Eve party last night hit another car. She was thrown into the partition and had what she called minor injuries. Not the kind of thing a mother likes to hear about. My first thoughts were mother thoughts - was she wearing her seat belt? I'd bet money that answer is "no". I tried to call her. She didn't answer. She doesn't want to hear what her mother has to say. I understand - I don't want to hear what my mother has to say.....2009 was the year I first realized I am NOT my adult son's or daughter's friend. I'm just their mom.

My husband had to work today. I took down Christmas. I put Christmas neatly in waterproof plastic bins and tucked it away in the basement. I felt good about that. Last year I just tossed Christmas into the basement. Most of Christmas was just piled up on top of my art supplies on a table in the basement and stayed there until I brought it up to decorate in November.

Then I took inventory of the watercolor brushes and paints I have. I intend to start working a little on Sunday. I have 2 instruction books and one video that I plan to go through as practice/learning exercise.

I thought you might like to know who a few of my favorite watercolor artists are. I googled them - which I've done before - and found one of them has a blog on this very blog site. Carol Carter. Reading her blog completely depressed me. Steve Hanks paints the way I want to paint. I used to paint like that in college - in oils. Very realistic renderings. My art teachers at that time did not like realism in paintings. One in particular. Marvin. I wasted a lot of time in college. I didn't take advantage of the opportunity I had. I cut more classes than I attended. Preston Jackson was one of my instructors. I didn't like watercolors in college. I like them now. Thanks to Jane Mason. And a little community college class I took in 2007.

Anyway, my favorite artists have been painting their whole lives and earn their livings at it. I feel like I have so much catching-up to do and the fear that I won't have the time almost stops me in my tracks, here, now, before I even start. Crap! This kind of self negative talk has always been a barrier for me. Isn't this the year I DO NOT do what I've always done?

So, on I go....I'm painting on Sunday. I'll get a scanner. I'll take some photos. Maybe I'll share some here if I'm not too embarrassed. Tomorrow a trip to get some paints and a couple of brushes. Yee Haww!

Final Thoughts on 2009

I sent an email to my sister, Kathy, and daughter, Regan, at 1:00 am on December 31 asking for tips on blogging and telling them I was starting my own blog. Then I proceeded to begin to figure it out for myself without waiting for a reply. I’m sure they were both fast asleep by then. My daughter replied this morning telling how she had set up her blogs and then said, “I can’t wait to read yours!”

Oh, crap!

I had no problems with the invisible cyber-person or strangers reading anything I might write. But my daughter! My family! My husband’s family!!! Co-workers?! Crap!

So, I re-read what I’d put down in the middle of the night. Well, a little on the serious side but nothing that is a secret. My children are well aware of my struggle with drinking. And, I have to be honest in this blog if it is to be of any value at all, particularly if it is to be of value to me!

I want to point out here that I managed my drinking pretty well. As you could see by my first comments those closest to me wanted to argue whether I was an alcoholic. I went to work. I’ve been promoted on my job a number of times. I’ve earned a decent living. Was always always careful not to drink and drive. But my husband and I on a Friday or a Saturday night have been known to put away a bottle or more each while engaged in the most lively and deep conversations that would go on late into the night. The recovery time is costly, though. It takes a whole weekend to recover or more these days. But that isn’t my biggest problem. No, no, I get in to trouble when I’m alone. I seem to have a hard time being alone with myself. I don’t know if it was boredom, stress, unhappiness – or what. Or that I had more FUN alone when I was drinking. For example, I liked to clean my house on Saturday mornings – while drinking. I’d start early, with a glass of white wine (my drug of choice) or a mimosa. And, I didn’t try to kid myself that I was just appreciating the fine wine. No, I’d pour myself an 8 ounce tumbler of wine or put it in my big coffee mug. I’d turn my stereo up loud and clean like a maniac till late afternoon (what my husband called “Nazi” cleaning). I might pass out about the time I was finished, but my house would be so clean and organized!!

But in the last few years this hasn’t worked. The false “energy” I used to get from a drink hasn’t been there anymore. I just get tired and fall asleep early and my house not get cleaned at all.

Anyway, done. Done and done.

And, this blog is NOT going to be all about the drinking. My second challenge is equally important to me.

Challenge number 2: I have to paint. I believe I was supposed to be a painter. I used to be pretty good at it, I thought. I have a college degree in art. I’ve rarely touched a brush or a pencil in the last 30 years. Now that is what I’m going to do in 2010. Begin to produce a body of work that looks as if an artist produced it and not a student. (I was a terrible student.) Besides, I really enjoy painting. It is what I want to do and I think about it all the time. I have a dozen paintings in mind that I want to start on. Now….time to act on it. It is part of “the dream.”