Final Thoughts on 2009

I sent an email to my sister, Kathy, and daughter, Regan, at 1:00 am on December 31 asking for tips on blogging and telling them I was starting my own blog. Then I proceeded to begin to figure it out for myself without waiting for a reply. I’m sure they were both fast asleep by then. My daughter replied this morning telling how she had set up her blogs and then said, “I can’t wait to read yours!”

Oh, crap!

I had no problems with the invisible cyber-person or strangers reading anything I might write. But my daughter! My family! My husband’s family!!! Co-workers?! Crap!

So, I re-read what I’d put down in the middle of the night. Well, a little on the serious side but nothing that is a secret. My children are well aware of my struggle with drinking. And, I have to be honest in this blog if it is to be of any value at all, particularly if it is to be of value to me!

I want to point out here that I managed my drinking pretty well. As you could see by my first comments those closest to me wanted to argue whether I was an alcoholic. I went to work. I’ve been promoted on my job a number of times. I’ve earned a decent living. Was always always careful not to drink and drive. But my husband and I on a Friday or a Saturday night have been known to put away a bottle or more each while engaged in the most lively and deep conversations that would go on late into the night. The recovery time is costly, though. It takes a whole weekend to recover or more these days. But that isn’t my biggest problem. No, no, I get in to trouble when I’m alone. I seem to have a hard time being alone with myself. I don’t know if it was boredom, stress, unhappiness – or what. Or that I had more FUN alone when I was drinking. For example, I liked to clean my house on Saturday mornings – while drinking. I’d start early, with a glass of white wine (my drug of choice) or a mimosa. And, I didn’t try to kid myself that I was just appreciating the fine wine. No, I’d pour myself an 8 ounce tumbler of wine or put it in my big coffee mug. I’d turn my stereo up loud and clean like a maniac till late afternoon (what my husband called “Nazi” cleaning). I might pass out about the time I was finished, but my house would be so clean and organized!!

But in the last few years this hasn’t worked. The false “energy” I used to get from a drink hasn’t been there anymore. I just get tired and fall asleep early and my house not get cleaned at all.

Anyway, done. Done and done.

And, this blog is NOT going to be all about the drinking. My second challenge is equally important to me.

Challenge number 2: I have to paint. I believe I was supposed to be a painter. I used to be pretty good at it, I thought. I have a college degree in art. I’ve rarely touched a brush or a pencil in the last 30 years. Now that is what I’m going to do in 2010. Begin to produce a body of work that looks as if an artist produced it and not a student. (I was a terrible student.) Besides, I really enjoy painting. It is what I want to do and I think about it all the time. I have a dozen paintings in mind that I want to start on. Now….time to act on it. It is part of “the dream.”