2010
This is the year I’ve been waiting for. This year my life WILL change forever. I have goals for myself for this year; I have dreams for myself this year. Beginning this year there can be no more excuses – it is now or never, as they say. This is the year I want to discover what it is I love and am passionate about and begin doing it! The saying “crazy is doing the same thing and expecting different results” is how I have been living my life for at least 30 years. This year, I CANNOT do the same things. This year is all about NOT doing the same things but doing new things, doing very difficult things.
2009 was a big year. It was more my children’s year, though. My son graduated from college in May. My daughter graduated from law school in May. She married in October, her groom also a law school graduate with a masters. You’ll hear more about all of them, I promise.
I am so excited about the upcoming year. I am so excited that it is 12:37 in the morning December 31, 2009 as I am writing this. I could not sleep. Words were rolling around in my head trying to assemble an opening to my blog for the year 2010. I got out of my warm bed, crept downstairs, opened the bottle of Mirassou Pinot Grigio and poured a small glass, then sat down here, at the computer.
I am 4 months away from one of the most significant and anticipated events of my life. I’m going to retire.
I’ve been a federal employee for 32 years. I’m leaving at age 56. I should be OK financially. If I stayed longer I could be more financially secure, but when my mother said to me, “It won’t kill you to stay a few more years.” I replied, “Yes, it will kill me.” And that is the truth. So, in a way, retiring now at 56 rather than waiting a few more years is a Leap of Faith. I’ll have a retirement check for the rest of my life that I’ve earned. I’ll have a tiny little bit of money in a retirement fund. I have a husband 15 years younger than me with a job. No matter what happens, I have no doubts that leaving now IS the only option for me. The job I’ve been doing is NOT my dream. It is about time I pursued the dream. If I wait any longer, I’ll run out of time.
There is one singularly important challenge this year. I need to succeed in overcoming this challenge to succeed in any other area. And to succeed in this, I need to be accountable to someone. So you, invisible cyber-person, will be that “someone”.
Challenge number one: do not drink. I am an alcoholic. I’ve known this since I was 35. I actually didn’t drink much until I was that age. I could blame it on my divorce from my first husband, maybe. Maybe it’s just me. Twice in the last two decades I managed to stop for 90 days. At that 90 day point I’d gradually be sucked back under. I love to drink. Many are the great times I’ve had under the influence! For years, before I met my husband, alcohol was my best friend. I’m not going in to all the reasons why I don’t want to drink any more at this posting, any one who is an alcoholic knows…..Funny, though, in 2007 I was seeing a counselor who was trying to help me stop drinking. During that time period I told my husband (before we were married, while we were still dating) that I was an alcoholic. He said, “No you’re not.” I wondered how he could have lived with me for years and not known that I was. I told my sister I was an alcoholic. She said, “No you’re not.” I wondered why if a person told you she was an alcoholic anyone would debate the point. No one is going to tell you they are an alcoholic if they aren’t, I don’t think.
Right now, I could be the kind of person that, after I retire, would kiss my husband goodbye in the morning as he left for work, then start drinking. I’d drink all day until about two hours before he’d come home, then start trying to sober up and hide any evidence that I’d spent the whole day drunk. And feel full of anxiety and guilt and unhappiness that another day had passed that I’d not made any progress toward “the dream”. And…I’d feel like crap physically. Yeah….nope!
So, at the stroke of midnight, January 1, 2010, I begin the very hardest of all challenges, in a year to be full of challenges….and try to live every day without drinking. Can I do it? I don’t know……but it will be easier with you there keeping an eye on me. Fingers crossed….wish me luck……and, thanks. Thank you so much.
